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Wednesday, April 4, 2007
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY : THE TALENT OF PASSING DUNG THROUGH THE MOUTH
Ideological Neo-Consort Dana Perino just took over the thankless Faustian bargain of being White House Press Secretary, since Tony Snow's colon began to rot out from an excess of exposure to the molten, radioactive core of human Evil.
FEAR THE EELS
The first day I was in the Press Corps, in 2005, Dana Perino was there, sitting off to the side with a couple of other lockstepping, Blueshirt Bushies. I noticed her because she was unusually attractive for an ethical zombie.
I remember that then-Press Secretary Scott McLellan said something that was such an obvious, balls-to-the-blackboard, galloping Untruth that I involuntarily chuckled.
That was when all of Dana Perino's attractiveness rolled back like like an electric garage door, and the robotic Gila Monster chained in the vacant lot where her humanity should be tried to turn me into a pillar of salt with a hate-seething, napalm-eyed, Cheney Scowl.
It would have been frightening enough to make me wet my pants if I were....oh....six or seven years old. But, having done some time, I was familiar with the 30-yard stare, so I mad-dogged her.
The subtext of the five second staredown went a little something like this:
ME: What? You got a problem?
HER: Hissssssssss. Show submission to the Power of Darkness, insignificant filth! I will halt your oxygen with Rovian mind-needles!
ME: You want to take this outside and rumble 'round the Rose Garden, you Easy Spirit shoe-wearin' Bee-yotch?
HER: You are not worth the venom in my unholy green spores. Hssssss....
And then it stopped.
Dana Perino looks like a trophy blond, but she is actually just an advanced species of alien blow-up doll, housing a writhing cluster of giant, bloodsucking space-eels -- a Robo-Shrew suckled at the teat of Vice and groomed to birth Big Lies through her teeth without complaint. I bet she puts Polonium 210 in her Sanka every morning, and it only makes her stronger.
Seriously: I wouldn't want to get between her and a $7 inauguration party bag of Fritos. Beware.
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COMMENTS
LOL.
Pauvre Tony, the perfect storm.
Now we have Stepford does Press Secretary.
This icebox outta make Tony look benevolent.
The more they need to cover up, the slicker the packaging.
Beware indeed...thanks for the hilarious heads up Signora Wilson...
Posted by: bailey alexander at April 4, 2007 5:08 AM
Hey Bailey, you ever see that incredible Ian Richardson series about the British goverment, House of Cards and To Play the King and etc.?
Daddddyyyyyyyy!!! (splat.)
Yeah, but seriously, Dana Perino is like Ian Richardson in the body of a young Vannah White. I bet she speaks eight languages, runs 14 miles a day, plays classical violincello, eats nothing but spelt, pennies and thumbtacks, can do the splits in any direction, and excrete .600 Nitro caliber bullets on cue.
She's Bilderburger Barbie. I tremble.
Posted by: Cintra Mc USS Abraham-Lincoln III at April 4, 2007 1:25 PM
Ohmygawd....some english friends gave us the DVD series a few yrs back, thought we'd enjoy as we're political junkies, we'd seen it 3 or 4 times. It's priceless...
The wife, Lady MacBeth was the killer, wasn't she..but the blonde with those big ol eyes, she'd played the sweet eldest bennett girl in Firth/Austin remake....
Daddy, splat, oh, cintra, we tremble, in a good way at your feet.
LOL.
Posted by: bailey alexander at April 4, 2007 1:46 PM
Cintra could take her in a minute. These stepford types implode the minute they stray off message...it's all studied, robotic faux accomplishment.
Posted by: bailey alexander at April 4, 2007 2:15 PM
Hey Cintra...
Seems I inspired some more colon talk, huh? Even my reference to lava seems to have pooped up, uh, I mean, popped up here. I knew I could do it! I'm so excited!
On a non-scatological note, this broad kinda looks like Katie Couric. I think they should make out. Or fight. Although I don't find them particularly attractive, either would be entertaining to watch.
Posted by: Robert "Making doodie talk hip again" Brink at April 4, 2007 2:23 PM
BAH ha ha ha ha, Ian, you minx: you'll get yours.
No, but seriously, I bet she took all kinds of Krav Maga with her Mossad gym buddies and can snap your spine like a bread-stick.
As soon as they had me ball-gagged, I'd be powerless. There would be no private bubble of saftey, just War of the Worlds giant metal octopus rape, Hentai-style. Brrrrrr.
Bailey, can I crash on your English couch?
Posted by: cintra Mc USS Abraham-Lincoln III at April 4, 2007 2:38 PM
"The writing is very accurate, very smart, very insider," she said. "Its sensibility is definitely on top of what is happening now."
That was taken from a recent article about the show "Entourage" and it reminds me of what a Neo Con would say about the "writings" of a White House Press secretary....
Posted by: Super Ho Chi Mindy at April 4, 2007 2:41 PM
The Stepford Files, Stepford & Son, Stepfordy Street, Up-Stepfords Down-Stepfords.....
Yeah, it's got legs. I'll call someone in Stepford Development over at FOX.
Posted by: cintra "Stepford Terrier" Wilson at April 4, 2007 2:45 PM
You know, when you're as rich as Katie Couric, you can afford to say, "You know what? Fuck eyelids. I don't need them anymore. Eyelids: gone. Boys, dial the forehead back to 17."
Posted by: Cintra "Loves Chachi" Wilson at April 4, 2007 2:48 PM
I Dream of Stepford, The Stepfordmooners, Perfect Stepfords, The Stepford Shandling Show, Stepford & Jerry, 360 with Anderson Stepford, American Stepford, Stepford & Butthead...
Posted by: Brink at April 4, 2007 2:51 PM
PS
Sanka sounds sooo retro. Does anyone drink that anymore? How about Tab?
Posted by: Brink at April 4, 2007 2:52 PM
Well, Cintra Babe. I have no English couch per se, do have a fainting couch, but not quite the same thing...
Whenever you feel like crashing in the city of light or in Malta, gawd forbid, certo, call me.......
Posted by: bailey alexander at April 4, 2007 2:52 PM
Even the spam generators realized that Tina Louise could probably use some Xanax!!!
I love that her signing was in NJ...land of toxic waste...
I think any washed-up celeb can go to NJ, do appearances and sign and somehow thrive...
Posted by: Brink at April 4, 2007 4:20 PM
Actually, I was more into the professor...which leads me to another story about a bi-curious crush I had on one of my grad school writing professors who was a male model for Chanel and a gay novelist from NYC...
But I'll save that for another day...
Posted by: Brink at April 4, 2007 5:46 PM
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