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Tuesday, July 17, 2007
ZEN KOAN: HOW F*D UP IS A TOM RIDGE FENG-SHUI FOUNTAIN?
I was casually web-surfing in the middle of the night for a small, soothing indoor fountain that might make tranquil watery noises and bring massive wealth into my home. All was consumer serenity until I found a website entirely devoted to indoor zen fountains honoring horrible old ruling-class honky men. These fountains were built in tribute to such worthies as Regis Philbin, President Bush (the "Hope" Fountain, which promises to help "heal the nation's soul" post-9/11) the PA Governor Ed Rendell fountain, and my least favorite:
"THE SEC. of HOME LAND (sic) SECURITY TOM RIDGE FOUNTAIN" : $695
And it's shaped like the state of Pennsylvania, as if Tom Ridge wasn't enough of a selling point. You can also buy a zen fountain with replicas of Native Americans on it, if you really want to free-fall blind and screaming into the ravine of spiritual hypocrisy.
I'm holding out for the fountain honoring Denis Kozlowski, which features a naked replica of the former Tyco CEO urinating vodka.
Some inventions are just too inherently immoral to be put into the hands of mankind. Atomic weaponry, Polonium 210. There should be checkpoints in place disallowing Tom Ridge fountains from crossing metaphysical borders into our unprepared meditative states -- for our own protection.
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StumbleUpon- Hide Comments for ZEN KOAN: HOW F*D UP IS A TOM RIDGE FENG-SHUI FOUNTAIN? (6)
COMMENTS
Um, first. First world denominators unite!, um, memorialized as symbols of Chinese geomancy -- I'm so confused... Listen, I thought those dudes were gods anyway - so why do they need idols in their likeness? Speaking of worship, I wish I could divulge my new favorite altar -- but I'm afraid y'all don't have the right clearance.
Posted by: boug "feng shwon't" boug at July 17, 2007 11:32 AM
As a Pennsylvania resident, bless these talented and thoughtful people for creating such beauty in tribute to The Commonwealth , The Governor and our courageous and upright Native Son, Former Governor Tom Ridge. I weep tears of joy at the sheer fucking gorgeousness of these monstrosities of plastic, water and hydraulics and I'm of a mind to create my own fountains in tribute to Karen Finley, Andreas Serrano and Sid Vicious.
Posted by: steven at July 17, 2007 11:35 AM
P.S. The Serrano and Vicious fountains are fairly simple, a water pump can handle both urine and blood.. the yams for the Finley piece are more problematic, maybe a meat grinder with sausage filling attachment and the power stepped down a bit? These are Limited Edition Collector's Items, in 100% PURE VINYL, operators are standing by.
Posted by: steven at July 17, 2007 11:45 AM
I'm on my third fountain now... and its the best so far...
My first one was in NJ and made me wet the bed. My dad also complained for months, as he would forget I had a fountain and he'd wake up in the middle of the night fearing the toilet was leaking...
My second was an outdoor fountain on a patio that I no longer have...three tiers, lights, the whole shebang...
My third is the perfect desktop size and somewhat (in conjunction with earplugs and the Food Network) drowns out the incessant sounds of the entire square block Senior Citizen's home being built about 50 feet from my "quiet" Laguna Beach studio. Cranes, Bulldozers, Backhoes and whatnot. Its a perpetual earthquake here. I'm not kidding, I've actually slept through real earthquakes because I am so used to it now.
But I like my fountains...
Posted by: Brink at July 17, 2007 11:59 AM
Dude, that's hilarious. It's the rarest of websites: you're not sure whether it's a joke. You gotta love the irony of owning a President Bush fountain, though, and the nonsensical cultural melding of anything that's both "zen" and Native American.
I love this quote:
"This fountain is owned by Regis Philbin and was presented to him on his show 'Regis and Kelly Live', October 2, 2004."
Does this mean they're going to break in to Regis' house and steal the fountain if somebody buys it?
Because that somebody might just be me.
Posted by: Jon Thibault at July 17, 2007 1:13 PM
No freakin' way! You totally made that shit up.....
Posted by: JJ Daddy-O at July 21, 2007 9:39 PM
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